You Are Happy Read online

  BRIDGET

  You’re into metaphors?

  CHLOE

  Not really, no.

  BRIDGET

  Glad to hear it. Puns?

  CHLOE

  Never.

  BRIDGET

  Good.

  CHLOE

  Anyway.

  BRIDGET

  Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . . Don’t worry about it.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  I have the solution.

  CHLOE

  Really?

  BRIDGET

  My solution’s called . . . Jeremy!

  CHLOE

  What?

  BRIDGET

  He’s already at your place by now.

  CHLOE

  Excuse me?

  BRIDGET

  He’s your new lover.

  CHLOE

  You’re kidding.

  BRIDGET

  Your delightful new lover.

  CHLOE

  I mean . . . You have got to be kidding me!

  BRIDGET

  He’s wonderful. He’s a great cook. He’s attractive. He’s nice.

  CHLOE

  No, no, no, no, no, no.

  BRIDGET

  And he was thrilled when I showed him your picture.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  He thinks “Chloe and Jeremy” has a nice ring to it.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  He already likes your little jokes.

  CHLOE

  My little jokes?

  BRIDGET

  Fine. You’re going to say it’s a little sudden. And your apartment’s too small for a pair of lovebirds. But in a year or so you’ll move into a bigger place. In a quieter neighbourhood. Maybe you’ll even buy something. You know, sometimes it pays to invest.

  CHLOE

  Are you trying to tell me Jeremy-or-whoever-he-is is going to live with me?

  BRIDGET

  Does live with you.

  CHLOE

  Does live?

  BRIDGET

  Listen, Chloe: I gave you a month. You lost, fair and square.

  CHLOE

  I did not lose.

  BRIDGET

  I think you’re very lucky.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Anyway, he seemed a lot happier about it than you are. It’s probably going to really hurt his feelings when I tell him how you took the news . . .

  CHLOE

  Oh no I—

  BRIDGET

  Oh no you?

  CHLOE

  Don’t tell him that.

  BRIDGET

  No?

  CHLOE

  No no.

  BRIDGET

  Why not?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  You sure?

  CHLOE

  What’s he like?

  BRIDGET

  Very, very good-looking.

  CHLOE

  Really?

  BRIDGET

  Very. And he’s single, Chloe, just like you. You’ll make an adorable couple. I’m almost jealous.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Take care of him.

  CHLOE

  Who is he?

  BRIDGET

  Je-re-my.

  CHLOE

  I imagine the sex organs of a hypothetical Jeremy

  Up against my completely non-hypothetical sex organs

  And so on

  Oh yeah, I feel like a fool

  BRIDGET

  Are you still there, Chloe?

  CHLOE

  Huh?

  BRIDGET

  I have a little present for you.

  CHLOE

  She gives me a skirt

  It’s short

  BRIDGET

  It’ll be a hit.

  CHLOE

  The worst part about the skirt is

  I like it

  BRIDGET

  There’s a washroom down the hall on your left. If you wanted to change. It’s a bit cold out, but you’ll walk fast. Take care.

  CHLOE

  I get up

  Almost happy

  We smile at each other

  There’s kind of a silence

  It’s not a chill

  Just something expressing that there’s nothing more to be said

  BRIDGET

  See you very, very soon.

  IX

  JEREMY

  Right now you’re here with me in Chloe’s charming kitchen

  I’m shaking

  I’m shaking

  I sit

  I stand

  I shake some more

  I’m going to have a glass of orange juice

  Orange juice always calms me down

  CHLOE

  I leave Bridget’s office

  Go to the washroom

  Put on the new skirt

  JEREMY

  I spill goddamn orange juice all down my new shirt

  Wash the shirt in the sink

  Break a glass

  Cut my finger

  Gross

  Gross

  Gross

  BRIDGET

  Watching through the window I smile

  CHLOE

  I walk

  I’m hot and cold at the same time

  JEREMY

  It’s not bleeding too bad

  I stick on a Band-Aid

  Pick up the pieces of glass

  I go stretch out on the bed

  Then get up

  No way

  Not the bed

  She has to give me permission first

  On the other hand, it’s my bed too, now

  She can’t just start pushing me around

  Anyway

  I go back to the kitchen

  BRIDGET

  Watching through the window I smile

  CHLOE

  Jeremy

  Jeremy

  Jeremy

  You’re happy

  You’re telling yourself at last my pillows’ll be divided into two

  distinct halves

  One on the left side of my bed

  The other on the right

  My hypothetical genital warts will stay between Jeremy and myself

  You think, well that’s a relief

  I’ll finally be able to share my hydro bills

  That’s pretty significant in your opinion

  Not to mention that a single woman

  Could potentially steal your man

  You smile

  Or that a single woman

  Is someone you might sleep with and break up your nice little couple

  Yeah you’re very happy

  I get home

  We go up the stairs to my little two-bedroom apartment

  Together

  JEREMY

  Someone’s coming up the stairs

  It’s her

  It’s not her

  It’s her

  It’s not her

  BRIDGET

  Watching through the window I smile

  JEREMY

  It’s her

  CHLOE

  You’re in just as much of a hurry as I am to see him

  To meet him

  Are we going to make love?

  JEREMY
/>   It’s not her

  CHLOE

  You can’t wait for us to make up our minds

  Can’t wait for our mouths to

  Our hands to

  Our sex organs to

  As for me

  I’m completely

  Totally

  I don’t know what

  I open the door

  JEREMY

  It’s her

  CHLOE

  Jeremy is sitting on the kitchen table

  His hands are shaking

  He jumps down

  Smiles at me

  Comes closer

  JEREMY

  Darling!

  CHLOE

  Dar—what?

  JEREMY

  I knew I should’ve picked a different word.

  CHLOE

  Darling?

  JEREMY

  I ran through all of them in my head. Darling. Honey. Baby. Would you prefer baby?

  CHLOE

  No.

  JEREMY

  I’m sorry. Are you mad? ’Cause if you’re mad, we’re off to a bad start. I mean, we could try again. Open the door. Come back in. But give me a couple of minutes, y’know, just so I have time to think of another word, and whatever.

  She holds out her hand

  CHLOE

  Hi. My name is Chloe. We can start with that.

  JEREMY

  I’m Jeremy.

  CHLOE

  Hi, Jeremy.

  JEREMY

  Smile

  Be natural

  Listen

  The conversation must be bidirectional

  I put my shirts on the left side of your closet. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I crammed your stuff closer together. Anyway, you have too many dresses. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I came in through the window. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  You’ll need to make me a copy of the key. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  Wow! It’s gorgeous out. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  Yeah.

  JEREMY

  For sure.

  CHLOE

  Definitely.

  JEREMY

  Good

  Good

  I watch hockey.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I have my buddies. I see them once a week. We have a good time. Thick as thieves, as they say.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  So I hear you’re a waitress.

  CHLOE

  Yep.

  JEREMY

  On purpose?

  CHLOE

  What?

  JEREMY

  I mean it can’t have been your dream to become a waitress!

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  Sorry. I talk too much. I ran you a bath.

  CHLOE

  Uh . . . I . . . I . . .

  JEREMY

  Go on, my love, I’m listening.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  You can say it.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  Go on, speak.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  You’re not speaking.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I’m not judging you for being a waitress.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I’m a graphic designer. Because I’ve always loved graphic novels.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I’m a huge fan of graphic novels.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  Oh yeah! I could name you a ton of graphic novel creators, bam, just like that. Off the top of my head. Boom!

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  I’m pretty good at drawing too.

  CHLOE

  Really?

  JEREMY

  Yeah! They say I’ve got talent. Your turn . . .

  CHLOE

  Not me, no.

  JEREMY

  I could teach you!

  CHLOE

  I’m really not good.

  JEREMY

  I’d be patient.

  CHLOE

  No talent whatsoever.

  JEREMY

  Very patient.

  CHLOE

  Can’t even draw a stick man with glasses.

  JEREMY

  Anyone can draw if they really try.

  CHLOE

  He takes my hand

  And draws in the air with my fingers

  I don’t move

  JEREMY

  I can draw a picture of you while you sleep.

  CHLOE

  Of me?

  JEREMY

  I bet you’ve got a little smile at the corners of your mouth when you sleep.

  CHLOE

  I don’t know what my face looks like when I’m asleep.

  JEREMY

  I’ll be able to tell you.

  She takes one step back

  I take two steps closer

  I have a really nice home.

  CHLOE

  He gives me a mischievous little grin

  JEREMY

  We have a really nice home.

  CHLOE

  He caresses the small of my back

  JEREMY

  We’re going to make an incredible couple. I’ll even teach you sailing. I’m a guy who’s super qualified to go out on the water. We’ll go cycling twice a week. Soon we’ll know each other’s favourite things to eat, and once in a while we’ll surprise each other a little. That’s a lot of fun plans right there.

  CHLOE

  Yes I am a waitress on purpose.

  JEREMY

  Okay.

  CHLOE

  It’s just, you know, life sometimes!

  JEREMY

  Okay. Talk.

  CHLOE

  It’s temporary.

  JEREMY

  Okay. Keep talking.

  CHLOE

  Fine! You’re right! It’s true, I didn’t dream of becoming a waitress. You’re right. I hate it. I find it degrading. I feel like shit. Like this big pile of shit busting my ass for a bunch of well-formed little turds. It pisses me right off, Jeremy. I need more than that. I am more than that, Jeremy. Whatever happened to that little girl who I wanted to be proud of me?

  JEREMY

  Are you premenstrual?

  CHLOE

  What?

  JEREMY

  You’re always pretty moody right before your period.

  CHLOE

  fuck you!

  JEREMY

  Five minutes go by

  I give her a neck rub

  CHLOE

  I’m sorry.

  JEREMY

  It’s okay.

  CHLOE

  I’m just used to silence. And you, you know, talk.

  JEREMY

  I understand.

  CHLOE

  Thanks.

  JEREMY

  I made you butter chicken.

 
CHLOE

  That’s nice of you.

  JEREMY

  But we need to get eating. My friends are coming at seven for the game.

  CHLOE

  The game?

  JEREMY

  Hockey.

  CHLOE

  Jesus!

  JEREMY

  What?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  You could have a girls’ night out.

  CHLOE

  Yeah . . .

  JEREMY

  That way, it can be just us guys.

  CHLOE

  I guess . . .

  JEREMY

  Then you could call me partway through the evening just to say “hey.”

  CHLOE

  You wouldn’t find that annoying?

  JEREMY

  Not at all: I’ll tell the guys, “Hey boys, it’s my girl!”

  CHLOE

  And then they’ll think I’m emotionally dependent. And you’ll end up believing them.

  JEREMY

  Never.

  CHLOE

  I don’t know what to say

  I love butter chicken

  And besides

  He’s cute

  And ya know

  He wants to teach me stuff

  Ah shit

  JEREMY

  What do you say, my sweet love?

  CHLOE

  My sweet love

  JEREMY

  I know. I don’t beat around the bush. That’s just the way I am.

  CHLOE

  That’s the first time someone’s ever called me—

  chloe & jeremy

  My sweet love.

  CHLOE

  My heart is racing

  JEREMY

  My palms are sweating

  CHLOE

  My face is hot

  JEREMY

  . . .

  CHLOE

  Emotions are bad for my blood pressure

  JEREMY

  I want to say something

  But my tongue is sticking to the roof of my mouth

  CHLOE

  Someone rings the doorbell

  JEREMY

  Are we expecting anyone?

  CHLOE

  I go and open the door

  BRIDGET

  Oo! It’s the lovebirds!

  CHLOE

  Bridget Castonguay

  BRIDGET

  Everything going well?

  CHLOE

  Jeremy puts his arm around my shoulders

  Smiling

  His head held high

  JEREMY

  Very well.

  BRIDGET

  I’m glad to hear it.

  CHLOE

  They rush into each other’s arms

  In a way that’s kinda

  Bridget whispers in Jeremy’s ear

  BRIDGET

  Did you run a bath?

  JEREMY

  Yeah.

  BRIDGET

  Good. Temperature?

  JEREMY

  Perfect.

  BRIDGET

  Are you sure?

  JEREMY

  Yes I’m sure!

  BRIDGET

  Chloe? May I use your bathroom? I really need to pee.

  CHLOE

  Down the hall, on your left.