You Are Happy Read online

  CHLOE

  I come out of the bedroom

  JEREMY

  Good morning, my sweet love.

  CHLOE

  Hi.

  I’m barely opening my mouth

  But trying hard not to be obvious about it

  JEREMY

  Here. A nice coffee.

  CHLOE

  Thanks.

  JEREMY

  She kisses my neck

  And honestly

  That

  Is what life’s all about

  CHLOE

  Do I smile when I’m sleeping?

  JEREMY

  Here.

  CHLOE

  He gives me a drawing

  Of me

  Of me smiling in my sleep

  BRIDGET

  I wake up

  Sprawled on the bed

  My mouth stinks

  It makes me laugh

  To smell myself

  I get up

  Open the curtains

  Make a nice cup of coffee

  Just the way I like it

  JEREMY

  What are we going to do today?

  CHLOE

  Don’t know yet. We could just take it easy?

  JEREMY

  No no. Then, you get down because we haven’t done anything. Shall we go for a walk around the park? You feel good when you get some exercise.

  BRIDGET

  The silence in my apartment feels so damn good

  CHLOE

  Okay. But then let’s go see a movie.

  BRIDGET

  Saturday, I love to read the paper in peace

  Take it easy

  Go to the market

  JEREMY

  Deal.

  CHLOE

  And I get to pick.

  JEREMY

  Another one of your chick flicks.

  CHLOE

  You picked the first thing we’re doing! You’re never happy.

  JEREMY

  You pick the movie, bunny.

  CHLOE

  No, you.

  JEREMY

  No, you.

  CHLOE

  You.

  JEREMY

  You.

  CHLOE

  Then we fall into each other’s arms

  Laughing

  Tickle fight!

  BRIDGET

  Most of all

  What I really love is

  Fooling around in my bed

  Trust me when I say I know how to give myself pleasure

  JEREMY

  Tickle fight!

  CHLOE

  Wait, wait.

  JEREMY

  What?

  CHLOE

  I love you.

  JEREMY

  I look at my watch

  Bunny, we’ve been together for sixteen hours already. Shall we celebrate?

  CHLOE

  How?

  JEREMY

  Close your eyes.

  CHLOE

  I close my eyes

  JEREMY

  Did you close your eyes?

  CHLOE

  I’ve closed my eyes

  He takes my hand

  Leads me to the bedroom

  Makes love to me

  JEREMY

  I love you, too.

  BRIDGET

  Around noon

  I head

  Outside

  I walk

  I breathe

  I go where I want

  Watch the boats at the docks

  Visit museums

  Drink coffee in coffee shops

  And the magical part

  Is that for once

  I’m not worried my brother will be there when I get home

  Trying to kill himself

  No I mean

  Honestly

  Suicide

  Ya know

  It really gets on my nerves

  JEREMY

  Am I going to have to throw out all my photos of my exes now that I’m with you?

  CHLOE

  Have you had a lot of girlfriends?

  JEREMY

  . . .

  CHLOE

  Answer me.

  JEREMY

  . . .

  CHLOE

  What’s that silence supposed to mean?

  JEREMY

  So you’re going to throw a jealous fit this morning, is that it? We were doing great and then bam! You have to spoil it with your damn questions.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  JEREMY

  Anyway, you’re the one I love now.

  CHLOE

  You’re my first real relationship. I’ve had flings with guys. One-night stands. But not. I mean. They were hot and everything, those guys. But not.

  JEREMY

  Thank you, I don’t need to know the gory details of all the guys you’ve slept with.

  CHLOE

  You’re my favourite.

  JEREMY

  Me too.

  BRIDGET

  You don’t believe me, do you?

  You think I’m deluding myself

  Just scabbing over the incurable wound of singlehood

  Like everyone else

  You tell yourself no one could want that

  Like my mother

  You think I have a neurotic fear of abandonment

  Or like my father

  You tell yourself I’m a closeted lesbian

  Like my friends

  You’re making a list of guys to introduce me to

  Uh-uh

  No

  CHLOE

  I don’t want it to happen to me ever again.

  JEREMY

  What?

  CHLOE

  To not have you in my life.

  BRIDGET

  I don’t want it to happen to me

  XII

  CHLOE

  The first month is good

  It’s like

  Really

  Just

  Wow!

  My girlfriends still call me

  But I’m less and less interested in seeing them

  I only call them back when Jeremy and I’ve had a fight

  The rest of the time

  I’m too happy

  JEREMY

  Tonight, I’m going to give you a massage.

  CHLOE

  Oh! Yes yes yes.

  JEREMY

  I bought some oil.

  CHLOE

  You’re too good to me.

  JEREMY

  Because you’re too beautiful.

  CHLOE

  You think I’m beautiful? Really?

  JEREMY

  So beautiful.

  CHLOE

  Well you’re handsome.

  JEREMY

  Hockey?

  I’m not that into it anymore

  Or only if Chloe’s there to watch it with me

  But it’s not really her thing

  We’d rather drink a bottle of good wine

  And tell each other about our day

  CHLOE

  We really get along

  JEREMY

  Take a look in the living room, there’s a surprise for you!

  CHLOE

  Honey! Thank you.

  JEREMY

  We really get along great

  CHLOE

  I love you.

  JEREMY

  I love you.

  CHLO
E

  Me more.

  JEREMY

  No, me.

  CHLOE

  We have plans

  JEREMY

  We should open a restaurant.

  CHLOE

  Then we could put your paintings on the wall.

  JEREMY

  Then we could have theme nights.

  CHLOE

  Jim Morrison nights.

  JEREMY

  Special couples’ nights.

  CHLOE

  “I love you I love you I love you” nights.

  BRIDGET

  There are times when I miss Jeremy

  Before

  He used to come over all the time

  Sad

  Not sad

  Happy

  Not happy

  He was there

  But now . . .

  At least I know someone is making love to him

  And making him dinner

  As for me

  As for me

  JEREMY

  We should call my sister.

  CHLOE

  Not tonight.

  JEREMY

  You’re right.

  CHLOE

  Just the two of us.

  BRIDGET

  As for me

  I have lots of friends who make sure

  I have a good time

  CHLOE

  But you know

  Jeremy still insists on fighting twice a week

  No more

  He thinks it’s healthy

  Lets us work out our differences instead of letting things build up

  Doesn’t matter what it’s about

  We’re pretty impulsive as couples go

  JEREMY

  We need to buy dish soap.

  CHLOE

  I don’t have time to go today.

  JEREMY

  What do you mean, you don’t have time? Am I supposed to have time? Why do you always have the monopoly on not having any time! Are you trying to tell me I don’t have a life? You think you have a life, Little Miss I-Am-A-Waitress?

  CHLOE

  Hey! Jesus! Could you stop talking to me like I just spat in your face?

  JEREMY

  Perfect harmony

  My soulmate, at last

  Did you have a good day?

  CHLOE

  Yeah, but it felt like you were so far away.

  JEREMY

  Come here and let me hold you. We’ll fix that.

  BRIDGET

  I have lots of friends

  Who make sure

  I get by

  CHLOE

  Right now you’re in our bedroom

  JEREMY

  Our bedroom is a beautiful room

  There are lovely wooden shutters on the windows

  You say to yourself

  What a lovely couple beside the wooden shutters on the windows

  CHLOE

  On the walls

  There are frames

  With photos in them

  Us in a museum

  Us at a restaurant

  Us in bed in the morning

  JEREMY

  Seeing the unmade bed

  You can tell we made love last night

  CHLOE

  Us in the park

  Us at the corner store

  Us at a hotel

  JEREMY

  Things are good

  Between us

  CHLOE

  Things are good

  Between us

  JEREMY

  But once in a while

  CHLOE

  But once in a while

  I tell myself this can’t actually last

  That it’s too weird

  That it’s got to end

  I mean come on

  It can’t be him

  It can’t be like this

  JEREMY

  Once in a while

  I think of myself

  Before

  The death wish is gone

  No more ropes

  No more razors

  And I weep with joy

  CHLOE

  No

  It can’t be true

  XIII

  BRIDGET

  I’m sitting at my desk

  My high heels tapping the floor impatiently

  I’m reading and rereading some files

  Some clients are dissatisfied with their colour after using our

  tanning beds

  Other are very pleased with their new brow line

  Chloe comes in

  Chloe?

  CHLOE

  I need to talk to you.

  BRIDGET

  Our appointment is next week.

  CHLOE

  Whatever, but this is, you know, now.

  BRIDGET

  Jeremy’s well?

  CHLOE

  Yeah.

  BRIDGET

  Threatening suicide?

  CHLOE

  No.

  BRIDGET

  Your relationship is going well?

  CHLOE

  Yeah yeah.

  BRIDGET

  Well then!

  CHLOE

  I’m the one who’s not doing too well.

  BRIDGET

  Who?

  CHLOE

  Me!

  BRIDGET

  And yet you sure have the smile of a girl who’s satisfied . . . If you know what I mean.

  CHLOE

  I’m satisfied, it’s not that.

  BRIDGET

  What is it?

  CHLOE

  I can’t do this.

  BRIDGET

  Do what? Be in love?

  CHLOE

  Look, it’s too, it’s too—

  BRIDGET

  Too?

  CHLOE

  Too perfect.

  BRIDGET

  Uh-huh?

  CHLOE

  He can always tell exactly what I need. He makes love to me tenderly. He respects me. He even gives me space. He lets me yell at him when I need to, but he still knows when to draw the line. He wants to know my dreams. He’s pushing me to leave my waitressing job and go back to university. When I’m jealous he makes me feel secure. When I’m hurting he doesn’t get annoyed. See what I mean?

  BRIDGET

  . . .

  CHLOE

  Nothing?

  BRIDGET

  . . .

  CHLOE

  Nothing. Great!

  BRIDGET

  Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  See, this is why you’re unhappy. Because even when happiness is staring you right in that pretty face of yours, you think it’s a trap. And that is the trap. Your trap.

  CHLOE

  Maybe.

  BRIDGET

  Yes.

  CHLOE

  But—

  BRIDGET

  No, Chloe. There’s no “but.” Life doesn’t have to be made of “but.”

  CHLOE

  You’re right.

  BRIDGET

  Great. Anything else?

  CHLOE

  No.

  BRIDGET

  Anyway, you signed a contract.

  CHLOE

  That’s not why I’m going to stay with him.

  BRIDGET

  I know.

  CHLOE

  I choose to be with him.

  BRI
DGET

  I know.

  CHLOE

  I could break your shitty little contract if I wanted to.

  BRIDGET

  I know.

  The worst part is, she’s right

  It’s so badly written it’s a joke

  On top of which

  It’s not even legal

  I wrote it at the last minute

  It’s copied from some British play

  What can I say

  I see a lot of theatre

  CHLOE

  You didn’t win.

  BRIDGET

  I know, Chloe. You win. Jeremy wins. I don’t win anything.

  CHLOE

  Okay then.

  BRIDGET

  Is that it?

  CHLOE

  Just so we’re clear.

  BRIDGET

  Have a nice day.

  CHLOE

  Sure.

  BRIDGET

  One last thing.

  CHLOE

  What?

  BRIDGET

  You may be a good girlfriend, but as a sister-in-law, meh.

  CHLOE

  What do you mean?

  BRIDGET

  You should ask me over for dinner.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Make me feel appreciated.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  It was my birthday last week and not even a phone call from the two of you.

  CHLOE

  I—

  BRIDGET

  No, no. It’s fine. But think about it. Jeremy would be very pleased if you took the lead on this.

  CHLOE

  I’ll do what I want.

  BRIDGET

  It’s important to include the family in your happiness. Love is about that, too. Otherwise, what happens when you have kids? There’ll be no one around to help you.

  CHLOE

  Well, see ya.

  BRIDGET

  You too.

  CHLOE

  Sorry about your birthday.

  BRIDGET

  Oh, don’t worry about it.

  She walks out of my office

  I look out the window smiling

  I think of all my girlfriends who bought me shooters on my birthday

  I think of the guy I slept with the night before last

  Without having to call him back

  I think of the running monologue I kept up

  Last night

  While making french fries and hot chocolate for dinner

  I think of the ugly panties I’m wearing

  Without shame

  I think of the telephone I’m not waiting by

  The jealousy I’m not feeling

  I think of the fights I’ll never have

  I think of the weight I can put on and take off without anyone noticing

  I think of the trips I can take

  The bedtime I can choose

  The books I can read

  The films I can watch

  The bars I can go to

  The friends I can call

  The place I can keep as tidy as I want

  You know what

  92% of people need to be two to be happy

  As for me

  I am so happy