You Are Happy Read online

  I look at my watch

  Five minutes late

  Eighth floor

  I get off

  I walk down the hall

  To the number written on my piece of paper

  I push a door

  I go into some kind of hip salon where you can get a spa pedicure

  I ask for Bridget Castonguay

  They ask me if I have an appointment

  Yeah

  Yeah yeah

  They ask me if it’s a bikini appointment

  What?

  They point to a door

  VI

  CHLOE

  Bridget is sitting at her desk

  Her high heels tapping the floor impatiently

  I go in

  Sorry. I didn’t knock. I mean, sorry.

  BRIDGET

  Miss Hartwell!

  CHLOE

  Yeah. Yeah. It’s me. Yes. I’m late. Because I helped an old lady cross the street.

  BRIDGET

  You’re kind. Kindness is good.

  CHLOE

  They’re fragile—you know—grandmothers.

  BRIDGET

  Please have a seat.

  CHLOE

  Thanks.

  BRIDGET

  Coffee?

  CHLOE

  Sure do love my coffee.

  BRIDGET

  You drink a lot of coffee?

  CHLOE

  Oh yeah.

  BRIDGET

  How many a day?

  CHLOE

  Too many.

  BRIDGET

  Are you an anxious type?

  CHLOE

  She serves me a coffee

  Cold

  Anxious?

  BRIDGET

  That’s right.

  CHLOE

  Not really, no.

  BRIDGET

  Good.

  CHLOE

  (clearing her throat) Ahem!

  BRIDGET

  Chloe Hartwell . . .

  CHLOE

  That’s me.

  BRIDGET

  Chloe, Chloe, Chloe . . .

  CHLOE

  Yep.

  BRIDGET

  So?

  CHLOE

  So, what?

  BRIDGET

  Do you like it?

  CHLOE

  Yes, thanks. A bit cold, but very good.

  BRIDGET

  Cold?

  CHLOE

  It’s fine, though, I like cold coffee. Especially in the summer.

  BRIDGET

  I thought—

  CHLOE

  Some restaurants make a really nice iced coffee.

  BRIDGET

  You like going to restaurants, Miss Hartwell?

  CHLOE

  Yes.

  BRIDGET

  What kind of restaurant?

  CHLOE

  All sorts of kinds.

  BRIDGET

  For a first date, which would it be?

  CHLOE

  Which?

  BRIDGET

  Restaurant!

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Are you all right?

  CHLOE

  I don’t know which one. I like Indian food.

  BRIDGET

  Good!

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  May I call you Chloe?

  CHLOE

  Yes.

  BRIDGET

  Great! And you can call me Bridget.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  I’ve drawn up a little contract, Chloe.

  CHLOE

  A contract?

  BRIDGET

  Just a teeny-weeny little contract.

  CHLOE

  Teeny-weeny.

  BRIDGET

  Just a contract so you can make sure you get all your razors, and I can make sure I have you here once a month. That way, if I forget to send you your razors, you can call me up and say: “Hey! Bridget! We signed a contract.”

  CHLOE

  Oh! Okay. Yeah. Okay.

  She holds out a piece of paper

  Which I sign at the bottom

  She holds out another piece of paper

  It’s identical

  I sign at the bottom

  BRIDGET

  Now we each have a copy.

  CHLOE

  Great.

  BRIDGET

  . . .

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Have you used the razors, Chloe?

  CHLOE

  Yeah.

  BRIDGET

  How many times?

  CHLOE

  Two or three. I don’t remember.

  BRIDGET

  Do you shave in the shower or in the bath?

  CHLOE

  In the bath.

  BRIDGET

  How hot is your bath?

  CHLOE

  Normal.

  BRIDGET

  Warm?

  CHLOE

  A bit hotter than warm.

  BRIDGET

  It’s hot out today.

  CHLOE

  Yeah.

  BRIDGET

  Why don’t you wear skirts, Chloe?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Ashamed of your legs?

  CHLOE

  It’s not that.

  BRIDGET

  Got a complex, do you?

  CHLOE

  It’s just, I didn’t have any clean skirts.

  BRIDGET

  Low self-esteem.

  CHLOE

  Not really, no.

  BRIDGET

  Do you have a personality disorder?

  CHLOE

  Huh?

  BRIDGET

  Borderline?

  CHLOE

  No. I don’t think so.

  BRIDGET

  You don’t think so?

  CHLOE

  Do you think so?

  BRIDGET

  If I say “self-mutilation,” you say?

  CHLOE

  Ouch?

  BRIDGET

  Good!

  CHLOE

  What do you mean, “good”?

  BRIDGET

  You’re all right, Chloe.

  CHLOE

  Thanks.

  BRIDGET

  I like you. And if I may give you a word of advice . . . Men love skirts. Take my brother: it always gets his attention when a girl shows some leg.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Nothing to say?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Are your legs soft?

  CHLOE

  Yes.

  BRIDGET

  Really soft?

  CHLOE

  It depends.

  BRIDGET

  On what?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  It’s important. For the razors.

  CHLOE

  Not always soft.

  BRIDGET

  Are you the kind of girl who likes a three-day beard more than a clean-shaven face?

  CHLOE

  No.

  BRIDGET

  You prefer a soft face. That you can kiss, and stroke.

  C
HLOE

  Yep.

  BRIDGET

  So! In that case, why don’t you do the same for your legs?

  CHLOE

  Meaning?

  BRIDGET

  Shave them three or four times a week, so they always stay soft.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Are you a faithful girl, Chloe?

  CHLOE

  What?

  BRIDGET

  . . .

  CHLOE

  Yes, overall.

  BRIDGET

  Overall?

  CHLOE

  I think so, yes.

  BRIDGET

  So, if you become attached to my—to our—product, you won’t go looking elsewhere?

  CHLOE

  As long as I’m satisfied with the product, no.

  BRIDGET

  Good.

  CHLOE

  Is that it?

  BRIDGET

  Huh?

  CHLOE

  There’s sort of a chill

  I just sit there

  So does she

  We smile

  It’s nice

  Because smiling means you’re on the same page

  BRIDGET

  Do you do your bikini line?

  CHLOE

  That’s personal.

  BRIDGET

  Not at all.

  CHLOE

  Yes at all.

  BRIDGET

  You don’t shave in the region of your genital parts?

  CHLOE

  I didn’t say that.

  BRIDGET

  Hairy genital parts are repulsive to men’s mouths.

  CHLOE

  Okay, too much. I’m leaving now.

  BRIDGET

  Why?

  CHLOE

  Because that’s none of your business.

  BRIDGET

  We’re just talking. If you have no problem being repulsive to men’s mouths, that means you don’t have a lover. Am I right?

  CHLOE

  I do my bikini line.

  BRIDGET

  You’re single, am I right?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  So.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Don’t be like that. I don’t want to hurt you. Au contraire. To be honest, I don’t give a damn if your legs are softer to your touch. What’s important is that your legs are softer to a man’s touch. After all, we don’t shave our legs for our own hands, am I wrong?

  CHLOE

  No.

  BRIDGET

  You need a life partner.

  CHLOE

  A what?

  BRIDGET

  Would you like me to help you meet someone?

  CHLOE

  Say what?!

  BRIDGET

  I know you’re tired of doing your grocery shopping alone.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  You told me so when we met. Don’t play shy.

  CHLOE

  Maybe there are times when I’d like to have someone to do my shopping with, sure. But that doesn’t mean you can force me to—

  BRIDGET

  I’m not forcing you to do anything.

  CHLOE

  Sorry.

  BRIDGET

  It would just be good if I could help you to help us.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  I could introduce you to someone.

  CHLOE

  I am quite capable of finding a boyfriend all by myself.

  BRIDGET

  Okay. If you say so.

  CHLOE

  I do say so.

  BRIDGET

  Then prove it.

  CHLOE

  I’ve got nothing to prove to you.

  BRIDGET

  You just signed a contract.

  CHLOE

  Yeah, and?

  BRIDGET

  You should always read what you sign, Chloe.

  CHLOE

  What are you trying to say?

  BRIDGET

  In the contract it says that the client commits to having a lover in order to—

  CHLOE

  She picks up the piece of paper in front of her

  BRIDGET

  “Maximize the benefication of accurate and correct results vis-à-vis supporting evidence.”

  CHLOE

  You have got to be kidding.

  BRIDGET

  You can read it. You have a copy in front of you.

  CHLOE

  I read

  She’s right

  That bitch

  BRIDGET

  In one month, at our next appointment, you will have a lover.

  CHLOE

  Or else what?

  BRIDGET

  I repeat my offer: I can help you find someone.

  CHLOE

  No thanks. I’ll do it myself.

  BRIDGET

  Fine.

  CHLOE

  Then I do this bizarre move

  I don’t know why

  Kind of halfway between a hip-hop hand gesture and the Girl Guide salute

  Anyway

  BRIDGET

  And one more thing.

  CHLOE

  What?

  BRIDGET

  Do you drink a lot of water?

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Then that means you’re putting on cellulite. Men don’t like women who put on cellulite. Careful, dear.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  A young woman your age who doesn’t exercise—because you don’t seem like someone who exercises—a young woman your age—

  CHLOE

  I leave her office

  VII

  CHLOE

  I go home

  Rush into the bathroom

  Hyperventilating

  Splash water on my face

  Look at myself in the mirror

  Idiot

  I go into the kitchen

  I read and reread the contract that I signed

  Like a

  Like a

  Like a

  I go back into the bathroom

  Look at myself in the mirror

  Idiot

  I knock back two glasses of water

  While peering at the back of my thighs

  Son of a bitch

  I go meet a friend

  Catherine

  For coffee

  I say nothing about any of this

  I’ll spare you the details of our conversation

  It’s the usual

  Who she’s sleeping with

  Who I’m not sleeping with

  And at the end

  “Love you so much, girl”

  I go back home

  The next day

  I sort of forget

  I go to work

  Every week

  I get a pack of razors in my mailbox

  The day of my next appointment with Bridget is coming up

  I’ve got nobody

  No goddamn stupid bullshit life partner

  Anyway

  I’m not going to her stupid appointment

  In the night

  I catch myself hoping she introduces me to a man

  And in my dreams

  He’s hot

 
And nice

  And so madly in love

  But at the same time independent

  He likes to do his thing and I do mine

  We love going for walks in the park and watching the birds

  But every morning

  I decide I’m not going to the next appointment

  God

  A month has gone by

  Now

  In a fraction of a second

  It’s colder outside

  I’m wearing a fall coat

  Red

  With a scarf

  I am not gonna go meet Bridget

  No

  I won’t go

  I walk

  Down the street

  Everyone’s holding each other’s

  Hand

  Waist

  I walk

  I won’t go

  Then just like that

  Bam, right in front of me, chump that I am

  Is the door of the building

  I go up to the office of Bridget Castonguay

  I’m in the elevator

  You’re in here with me

  Maybe

  You’d like to be the man

  Who gets in and makes love to me

  Between floors

  VIII

  CHLOE

  Bridget is sitting at her desk

  Her high heels tapping the floor impatiently

  I go in

  BRIDGET

  Chloe! How are you? You seem well. Really very, very well. You look good. Fabulous! Super. Super well. I’m glad.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  So glad.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  Nice, healthy, rosy cheeks.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  I’m very, very glad to see you.

  CHLOE

  . . .

  BRIDGET

  I’ll take that as a “me too.”

  CHLOE

  Sure.

  BRIDGET

  Sit down.

  CHLOE

  I stay standing

  BRIDGET

  Sit down.

  CHLOE

  I stay standing

  BRIDGET

  Okay.

  CHLOE

  I look out the window

  BRIDGET

  You all right?

  CHLOE

  I stay standing

  I tried everything.

  BRIDGET

  Sit down.

  CHLOE

  And . . . nothing.

  I sit down

  Her smile

  The bitch

  BRIDGET

  Here.

  CHLOE

  She offers me a cup of coffee

  Which I drink

  Her smile

  The bitch

  I went to parties. All kinds. Singles. Couples. Smart guys. Dumb guys. Fat ones. Skinny ones. What’s wrong with me? Eh? Don’t I deserve someone to take care of me when I have the flu?

  BRIDGET

  You had the flu? That’s not good. No. That’s no good at all.

  CHLOE

  I didn’t have the flu.

  BRIDGET

  Make up your mind!

  CHLOE

  She bangs on the table

  It’s a metaphor.